A Tainted Heart And An Amethyst Soul
by kitty-moogles
Summary: ['I've been watching you for years. I've known for years. And I've seen everything, and known everything, all this time.'] Alexander of Tirragen has a tainted heart, a heart that has fallen for an amethyst eyed, fiery haired squire.


_I've been watching you for years. I've known for years. And I've seen everything, and known everything, all this time._

It's winter again. Tortall's Knights have returned to the palace to rest and recuperate over the cold, snowy months.

Alexander of Tirragen is probably the only one reluctant to arrive at the palace. With his Knighthood has come some frightening prospects. He pretends he is _not _reluctant, pretends that he is glad to return. But while he can fool others, he cannot fool himself. He is a traitor, even though his official servitude to Duke Roger ended a year ago. He is still tied to him, made to stick to the Duke like a bur. It hurts to know that he is betraying his friends. One friend in particular.

It's one of the rare times of year when he is allowed to gather with his old friends. Jonathon of Conté, Raoul of Goldenlake, Gareth the Younger of Nixon and, the youngest of them all, "Alan" of Trebond. Alex has known since several months before the Squire's visit to the Black City that Alan is not who he says he is. Alan is actually Alanna, and he has only found this out through his rivalry with her that began when they were pages. In his frustrating search for her weakness, he accidentally found that Alan of Trebond did not exist.

He was not recorded in any books of birth. The only possible person Alan could really be was Alanna of Trebond, a girl of Alan's age. There was a noticeable similarity in their names, and Alanna had the same brother Thom and same father as Alan claimed to have. And as time went on, Alex realised this was true. It was obvious once you knew; Alan's reluctance to go swimming, the way he constantly looked younger than everyone else due to his round face and large eyes... his short stature, the way he always avoided women and the way he did not have a trace of facial hair, even though by his age most of the others were noticeably developing some. The way he was constantly mysterious.

And that was around about when Alex started to find Alanna's mysterious nature somewhat alluring. Appealing. And began to have feelings of joy when he saw her.

But by then, he was Duke Roger's Squire, and Duke Roger was completely against any connection to Alan or Jon in any manner whatsoever. Romantic relationships included (ok, so, Roger hadn't mentioned this specifically, but there wasn't much of a reason to; he knew Alex was not gay. Why would he have interest in men?). And having been involved in Roger's plans for several years now, he could not afford to pull out just because he wanted to be closer to Alanna. He was in far too deep for that.

He almost wished that he had revealed he knew as soon as he found out. Then things would surely have been easier. But leaving things to stew for so long had only made things difficult, and their friendship was now so shunned and ignored that it could hardly be _called _a friendship at all.

In fact, this was the first time Alex had seen Alanna since his Ordeal, and he'd only just realised how much he'd really missed her. If only the feeling was mutual, though it was clearly not as Alanna almost completely ignored him. Obviously their petty rivalry had grown, and Jon, Raoul and Gary gave him a cold reception. He'd known it would be like that, and would not have come. The only reason he was here was because Roger had ordered him here. So there he was, gathered in Jon's rooms with his old friends. Alanna was sprawled out on the window seat with Faithful in her lap, Jon, Raoul and Gary were seated on plush chairs facing their squire friend, and Alex was perched on a table. He was hardly included in the conversation. They knew he had changed, and he'd rarely spent time with them before this.

He looked over to Alanna. He was glad to see she did not look troubled. She was attentively listening to Jon give an account of some escapade of his, but wasn't actively involved in the conversation. But she was making those eyes at him, and it made Alex feel sick. He looked away.

It had not been long since he'd seen Alanna's looks at Jonathon, and those he returned. Roger had briefly mentioned how Alanna looked up to Jon with admiration, but Alex knew it was anything _but _admiration. It was love. And so obviously Jon knew, and this thrust any possible chance of romance with Alanna of Trebond further out of Alex's grasp (if it had even been near enough to grasp in the first place). So Alex resigned himself to his fate, doomed to watch her and know that she would never feel the same about him as he did about her. Unrequited love; the only challenge Alex had yet to defeat, one that could not fall by strength or sword, or even cunning.

If he squinted ever so slightly, he could just about ignore the looks she sent to Jonathon, but still bask in her unbeaten beauty. She was unique and full of elegant power, something that no court lady could ever possess.

_Stop salivating over her, you fool. You look like a lascivious lout from the slums. _

Alex jumped. A clatter followed his abrupt movement and he only just saved the vase of neat flowers that slid off the table top. He hastily shoved it back into its place and swept his eyes around the room. Raoul, Jon and Gary were glaring at him, but Alanna looked at him with no dislike in her eyes, just curiosity.

_They can't hear me, if that's what you're wondering. Only those I want to hear may catch my words._

"Sorry," he said quietly, settling himself on the table edge once again. The purple eyed cat had its eyes on him, and when it caught his gaze, it stood and leaped over to his side.

_Pet me, pervert._

Faithful yowled at him, drawing Alanna's attention. She watched for a moment, then continued to listen to Jon intently.

_And before you say it and reveal to Alanna I am talking to you, and reveal to the others you're attempting to converse with a cat through complete lunacy, yes, you _are _a pervert. You are four years her senior; she is not even sixteen yet. And I for one will not stand to have you drooling all over her. I will not ask how you know she is female, for it is sure to be a long story. But I can see how you guessed she is Jon's lover; she is forever staring at him, and he her. I wish she would pay more attention to _me, _for all I'm a cat. We are alike, though not in our species - just our romantic interests. _Faithful's eyes flashed towards Alanna.

_I bear even less chance than you do. I must be satisfied with interfering with those who wish that she was theirs. You, especially. I see little good in your heart. You are tainted, Tirragen, as is your former Knightmaster, and I know you bear little good for Alanna or Jon. You can make up for it, though. I see your love for her is purely innocent. However, you will not get anywhere if you sit on the edge of the table as solemn as the Black God himself. It will be your doing if she ignores you completely. Get up, Tirragen. And do not mind Jon. He is sure to be jealous, but can't really object without hinting at "Alan"'s true gender._

Faithful shrugged off Alex's hand and walked round, pushing him gently off the table. The cat then stretched out luxuriously over the wooden surface, rendering it near impossible for Alex to sit back down. He sighed quietly and edged over to the window seat. Raoul, Gary and Jon were now exchanging news over the latest influx of court ladies, and Alanna was not included in this whatsoever. Alex leant down towards her and murmured, "Your cat stole my seat. Do you mind if I sit here?" Alanna shook her head and shifted her legs to allow room for him to sit down in. To his surprise, no one else realised he'd moved. His nearity to Alanna, however, left it impossible for him to follow their conversation (as if he'd want to hear about the other pretty ladies anyway) so instead he let his eyes wander out the window. It was just beginning to snow; the first snows of the winter, startlingly white against the fiery reds and browns of autumn leaf fall. A pure blanket of ice covered the nearby lake, casting off a harsh sheen from a dull winter's sun.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" said Alanna quietly. "It almost makes being stuck indoors for months on end worthwhile."

Alex stared at her. It sounded incredibly gentle and made him wonder just how much more he'd love her if he knew her better. Was it beautiful? It certainly was with her by his side. "Yes," he replied. "Yes, it is." She smiled at him then; he had to look away to stop a blush spreading across his cheeks. Alexander of Tirragen, infamous disguiser of his emotions... almost showing feelings he did not really want to reveal. But that was just it; Alanna of Trebond brought out an Alex who was different. He wasn't a traitor, he wasn't bitter. He was accepted, something he'd never felt like he was before.

A knock on the door interrupted Alex's raging thoughts. Jon stood and answered it. A young page offered a piece of parchment, rolled up and tied with string, to the Prince who took it and dismissed the boy. Jon unrolled the paper and read it through several times. "Father is suggesting we hold a ball in four night's time. Raoul, Gary - we need to meet with him. I'm sorry, Alan, you don't mind, do you?"

"It's fine," 'Alan' replied, smiling thinly. "I'll be retreating to bed in a few hours anyway."

Jon nodded, satisfied, and then gave Alex a hard look. "I'm sure you have other things to do, Alex. Good night." As an after-thought, he reached over and stroked Faithful's ash black fur, then disappeared out the door with Raoul and Gary close behind. Reluctantly, Alex rose. He knew a dismissal when he heard one, and could not afford to anger the prince.

"Wait, Alex," Alanna ordered. She looked up at him searchingly. "You know, don't you?" Her gaze did not falter when he nodded. "And you aren't going to tell anyone?" At this, he shook his head. And then she smiled widely at him and embraced him. "Thank you, Alex. This is the greatest thing a friend could offer. I was worried... over the past few years, we've all been drifting away from each other. I hate it when things change, especially for the worse."

Alex looked down at her, a small smile hovering on his lips. It had been a long time since he had smiled. Becoming involved in the Duke's plans had plundered the smile from his face, and now he had stolen it back. A growing feeling of joy and pride grew in his chest.

"Well... As Jon said, I have things to do." Alanna bowed to him and held the door for him as he left.

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**In case you're wondering, this is going to be a two- or three-shot. It doesn't have much of a plot, which is why it's going to be so short. I had an impulse to write this, so I did. It's been a while since I've written TP fan fiction, and a long time since I read SotL. So my apologies if I have ages/names/events/personalities wrong. Thank you for reading.**


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